Day 4: Sleepless night

After speaking with my friends at the tennis courts on Thursday night, I went back to my room. For some reason it hit me that I had done all of the things I was not supposed to do; I set up regular meeting times with these guys, they knew which compound house I lived in, they wanted to go out with me, etc. But how else to live? These guys “worked” within the compound, which I was told was safe. Plus, how is one to learn the language without engaging in some meaningful conversation on some level? There is some balance there. At any rate, as I drifted off to sleep I was awakened by a noise outside my window. Someone or something was out there walking around. It freaked me out. I tried to look out the window but couldn’t, the window reflected back too much. I tried to ignore it and then it got louder. Then the sounds of the night started again; a weird mix of dogs howling, weird chanting, honking, and screaming. I sat up and waited it out. I spent more time than I care to admit fretting over this. Here I was, trying to get to know the people, really know the people, and this happens. I didn’t sleep well and awoke still freaked out. I want to be with the people, but if I were starving and needed to feed my family, why would I not find the nearest man from the states and try to rob him or hold him hostage for ransom? I wouldn’t blame them for doing that to me- the will to survive is universal and evolutionarily locked in; it’s what we do, we survive.

At work I shadowed the same ARV doctor. As usual, there were many, many patients in need. I shouldn’t even write it because it’s lost unless you get to touch them and look into their eyes. They were born into a corrupt, unstable society, most without fathers around, little to eat, little societal support, a police force too small and weak for its own people. Then they try to live some life.

The interesting thing I am seeing over and over is that the people are incredibly modest, meek. These people have been beaten down and they take it. Especially the women (more on that to come). But all the patients are at our mercy in such a strange way. They wait for hours to see a Dr., and then the Dr. may answer a call or leave or tell them to wait some more because an emergency comes up (or because the Dr. is trying to explain to me what she thinks in English). It’s hard to explain. They are very grateful to see the Dr. One patient (about 25) waited until the Dr. I was with stepped out and said “Hey, can I have your e-mail or number to stay in touch?” I think I gave him my e-mail. He then explained “I just have a family man and have no work and if you could help me out with some work or something I would really appreciate it and do a great job.” I tried to explain that I had just gotten here and held no special power or money. It was useless- I was a white American from the states, I must be rich.

Another patient was upset and asking us how to explain to her 12 year-old why she is HIV positive and what that means. The mom has HIV and the child got it during childbirth. Now mom was having to explain it to her. The child did nothing but be born. If you want to come down on the mom from your easy life for being promiscuous or anything else, I would be happy to argue. But if you want to come down on the child and say this is some punishment or God has a plan or man is evil, then I’m not going to entertain you; we have nothing to discuss. Until we can empathize with what it would be like to come into the world in that way (can any of us really?) we probably should tread lightly. But if you have some ideology you hold to, condemning others unlike you, or feel that these people deserve what they get for not believing your neat and tidy set of beliefs, I ask you to come hold the hand of that mother as she cries about her child with HIV. I ask you to make it here and look these people in the eye. What you will find is a people just like you. They laugh, they cry, the tell jokes. They want to protect their families, live good lives, and find fulfillment. In all the many ways people fail, the Haitians have proven to be resilient. And from reading about them and now meeting them, I think they will make it through and survive this poor time for their country. Maybe I will back out of that statement after some particularly challenging day, but they were the first slave nation to overthrow their oppressors and become independent. I think there is something to be said for that.

After work I got to go over to the College campus and read. I fell asleep on a bench, only to wake up with everyone waiting for me out at the car. The remarkable thing is no one cared. They were just happy to find me and we told some jokes on the way home. This is Haiti.

I went out to tell my Haitian friends at the courts that I couldn’t meet that night- we had dinner plans with a big group at 6. They were all out there laughing and talking and said it was fine. However, one of them asked me where I was going. I said to eat. He looked at me and said “I wish I could go eat”. That’s what worries me. These people are poor and desperate, yet I like them. I explained that friends were taking me, I couldn’t take him. Another time.

We drove through the city at night, hookers on corners and people upon people. Our Haitian friends we work with drove us. It was actually a very upscale restaurant (for Haiti). All in French. As I’ve mentioned, Kreyol is the language of the people, French the rich. As I ordered more bread, I spoke Kreyol and the waiter looked at me, repeated one of the distinctive Kreyol words I said, and smiled and said “li pale kreyol! Wi, wi!” (He speaks Kreyol! Yes, yes!) Yes, I was slowly learning this culture. Last night I felt like maybe I wasn’t cut out for this, maybe it was too much. But how could I walk away? I have the gift of being able to mingle easily with people, a great memory (good for learning a language), a love of people the world has oppressed, and now the opportunities to do some good I hope. Maybe I will break and walk away in the future. But I can’t do it yet. Not after looking into their eyes.