Take back your hand...

I was asked today by someone in the states how Haiti has changed my views on life, etc. There is no easy answer to this. First, it seems that every ex-pat here breaks down at some point. Not from the workload or the language or the isolation (although those things all help), but rather from the unending pressure that people put on you here. Almost everyone you meet wants a handout or something; in turn relationships take a strange twist. What’s innocent? What’s sincere? Why does it matter? And in response to this, almost everyone here trying to help feels helpless in so many ways.

One thing that comes to mind are handouts to people on the street. Every day you are asked for money. Sometimes it's aggressive, sometimes it’s nice, usually it’s awkward. Not because I feel bad about not giving money; I don’t. It’s instead awkward because the questions that you must answer in these conversations, “Come on, I have a job, but I only make 100$ a month…what do you make?” “I have no work and my mom is sick”, etc. So what to do?

If you give the handout, what good does it do? Does it not just propagate some idea that they should seek handouts rather than seeking education and innovation? What if you give a kid on the street 10 bucks? Let's say that his household brings in 5 dollars per week (about the mean income). You just gave them two weeks salary. So what do they do? Go back to school? Why? Money is waiting somewhere with the white man.

Let’s pretend that handing out cash did NOT propagate this attitude. Even so, what good does it do? I’m not sure I know. So there is money in someone’s hand; how does that help them in two weeks or next year? How does that help this economy? The infrastructure? The government?
I wish I knew.

So how has Haiti changed me? It has made me more aggressive, because this is a more aggressive society. It has also made me more willing to laugh. Without humor to soften the mood, life for so many people is just too bleak (including me); it has made me want to be funnier for the same reason.

It has also made me miss basic science, because I don’t get to do any here. And I miss presenting and teaching in front of groups. But I will get those things back. I won’t get back having no memories of seeing these people each day.

So how has Haiti changed me? I have pictures and frustrations in my head to last a lifetime. And I’ve only been here three months. Imagine how these people feel.